I walk alone. I can feel the cold rain on my shoulders. Raindrops that were resting between my hair are sliding down my head, onto my neck and down my spine now. Like a tear that no one wants to wipe away. You let it fall because you don't wish to hide them anymore. The rain is cold, but my skin is colder. It's like my body does not even bother warming itself up anymore. It lets me merge with the cold wind. I become invisible and unfelt. It reminds me of the fact that I can' hold someones hand and make them feel warm and cared for. I'm in need of warmth myself. I stare at the ground. Follow brick patterns with my eyes. I look at my shoes. I hold my bag close to my body, like a pillow thats armed to protect me. I'm not sure from what. I walk back and forth. I walk fast, pretending i'm actually going somewhere. In actuallity, i never am. I keep checking my phone, pretending to be busy. In reality i just check and recheck my empty call history. I store msgs, so I can read them when i get sick of having nothing to do.
They tell me they saw me reading in a corner. They ask me why i was reading on a funfare of all the days. When everyone else was dancing and eating. I just laugh, never answer. Maybe because even i'm not sure. Maybe that fact that i'm a social outcast is still hard to accept. Maybe dancing and eating is really all there is to life.
The what-ifs that clog my brain have brought me to a point where over-thinking has become a habit. I have to come up with the most novel idea. it has to be perfect. Otherwise i deserve to burn at the stake. Maybe i'm too hard on myself. Maybe I've punished myself for too long. Maybe it wasn't my fault.
I clasp my hands together. Each one feels colder then the other. They want to be held by someone who can melt them. On second thought, they'd rather freeze to death.
I can hear the cold, loud wind. I can see the bamboo tree being shouted at. I can see the leftover rain on my window. The freezing cold sends shivers down my spine. Ones you feel when you hear a song that reminds you of something forgotten. Maybe it's trying to remind me of something too.
