I feel a child growing inside me. Every time I feel it, realization dawns. I have grown up. It's time to start worrying. It doesn't feel any different. The child is silent though. Silent and stable. It will feed on my flesh and blood. and one day, when I have fulfilled my only purpose of giving birth to it, it will leave me. and i will force myself to be happy. I have already lived that life.
Should I die ignorant and happy, or aware and mad? Should I care or should I blame evolution and put my mind to rest. There is so much to learn and yet, my mind is cleaning up to make room. I will rise, or i will fall. I will shine or i will fade. There would be no in betweens.
My thoughts are at war. I can hear the clamor, the squeals. there can be no winner. There lies twice promised glory at the heart of it all. There is no wrong. There is no right. Who should lose? and why?
We are all the same. Like five sparrows or seven lizards. Yet, we all wish to be so different. So, at the end of the day, we are merely satisfying ourselves by make beliefs and fairies. Is happiness all you want? even at the cost of the truth? I feel my thoughts wandering.
Love is worth the pain. It's a bunch of chemical signals in the brain. but it's love. Why do we glorify it? Why do I want to be in love at this very moment? Why is my love not sexual in nature when that is all every species on earth is here to do? Why do I feel my heart sink? Why do I miss him when I know better? He smiled at me once. I have that image in my head still. alive. breathing. I never wish to lose it.
Beethoven is distracting me. Making an effort to get rid of him will distract me further.
How does it feel, I wonder, to slip from a height and watch your own death approaching you? When you have time to think. When you have time to grasp the idea of whats about to happen in its totality. Do you die before you hit the ground? I wonder often..
Don't take me wrong.. I'm not suicidal, never was, never will be. The prospect of tomorrow keeps you going. I may not be optimistic, but good things will happen anyway if they have to. I'm sure god will not punish me for not having faith in him.
