Breath-taking is the word

My grandmother was sick, so was my mother and I was over worked. Dad came home and told me we were going to Kashmir. I stood there, trying not to feel too good because i knew it was an impossible plan. 'But dado? the car? your work?'. everything worked out in the end though. We were to leave on thursday, 25th june, at 6pm.

Our first stop was Pindi, my nano's place. Three of my mamos live there. One of them is rather odd. We arrived at around 10pm, had dinner and sat around for a bit. Suddenly everyone got up to go to their respective beds. Knowing I was to sleep downstairs, I said 'lets go upstairs'. Obviously we weren't going to sleep. We just had one night. In comes my wierd mamo. 'Beta, achay buchay raat ko nai jaagte. shaabaash, sou jao ja ke.' So yeah I turned around and went upstairs. My favourite cousin and I sat down to complain about boys and our parents double standards, how marriages were crap and why i had no scars and she seemed to have too many. i was lying awake when a friend messaged to inform me about Michael Jackson's death. dead. Just like that. One image came to my mind in that moment. check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWeyLLzyIUw&feature=related @ 2:47. I haven't seen that much emotion squeezed into a name. Well afterwards we stole food from our mami's fridge and stuffed ourselves. Slept for an hour and in came ama to wake me up. Seven am on Friday, we set out for Kashmir. It was a 5 hour journey from Islamabad. We got lost in Islamabad and luckily found men who had the best sense of direction ever. My dad asks this particularly wise wagon driver 'Rawlakot jane ke liyay kis teref jayien?', and the genius answers 'Gujrat jayein, wahan sey left turn ley lein'. We laughed for half and hour after that. Our first destination was Kahuta. It's the area where the atomic energy plant is located. Apparently it's hidden between mountains. All we could spot were snipers and anti aircrafts along the mountain top. The road that led to Kahuta was smooth and beautiful. Covered with trees on both sides (awsome moment no.1). We stoped for breakfast. The locals were nice enough to play english songs for us. Must've been thinking 'burgers from the city'. There I ate oil with bits of omellete thrown in. Promise.

We continued our journey from there to Rawalakot. In between we stopped for petrol. I really had to pee and there was only a washroom for guys. In the mountain areas, women don't even pee. Thats how cool they are. So i went in and sat down on the comode. Then it started to rain. Actually the shower had automatically opened. Since it had opened automatically, there was no way to shut it down. So i pee'd and took a shower there. came out with the right side of my body wet.

Throughout the way, I could see the damage done by the earthquake. Broken bridges, cracks in houses, land slides. One half of most mountains had broken up. Most of the road was blocked with boulders. I could'nt help but imagine the sound of a hundred mountains cracking, bridges falling, concrete breaking. all within a few seconds.

On the way, we found Kishore Kumar's CD. It was badly scratched but we managed to listen to one complete song. 'Chingari koi bhurke'. It was one of those songs which you've heard many times, you even remember the lyrics and yet, you've never really payed attention to whats being said. So I payed attention and fell in love. (awsome moment no.2).

After 5 long hours, we reached our destination. Lake Banjousa. I have to admit, I was a little disapointed by it when I arrived. I think I was drunk, blind and mentally retarded then. It was beautiful. We went to our rooms, rested for a bit and came out. Our hotel was on a separate hill. There was a path between the woods that led to the lake from our rooms. Hidden between trees, It gave you that feeling of being on an adventure. Met a bunch of ducks. Fed them frenchfries. The food was okay. We couldn't complain though because there was only one hotel in the whole Banjousa area which served food. The menu was 'chanay ki daal, anything with chicken and thats it'. There was Biryani, Kurhai and Broast. So we had kurhai and daal. Both sucked ass. after sufficiently stuffing ourselves, we decided to trek. There was a 1 foot long track along the edge of the lake. In someplaces it was extremely steep and I felt i'd slip and fall into the lake and die but that didn't happen. dad held on to my hand everytime i slipped (awsome moment no.3). Sohaib, my brother, slipped slightly though and ended up wetting is shoe and sock. Gave me a heartattack. At night time, we played pictionary. Me and dad, Sohaib and our cousin. Dad and I lost everytime.

The next morning, dad woke me and mum up at 5 am. it was the perfect time for

photography. I doubt I can explain that scene in words. There was no human being in sight

for miles and miles. Lush green mountains fading in the mist. Clear, sky blue water. Birds

chirping. (awesome moment no. 4). Went further up to the streams which lead to the lake.

The water was ice cold. dad said it'll make me sick so i refrained from diping my feet into it.

I came back then and took a cold cold shower. We prepared to go furthur up the hill to a place

and sadly I can't remember it's name. On the way, we turned on the radio. Due to the height

of the area, we could catch FM 89 signals. Luckily, Michael Jacksons tribute was on (awsome

moment no. 5) It was a tough, steep climb and cars could'nt reach it. At the top, there was a

buffalo. She didn't seem all that happy to see me, considering the wierd

noises she was making. I became all phunay khan and went close, shwoing her my tongue along

the way. They say 'Aqel bhuri ke bhains?' well the bhains was totally larger in this case. I, being

such a genius, did'nt notice where the darned thing was tied, or how long the rope was. So

yeah I was chased to madness. At the very top, we met a local family. Nicets folks around.

They saw us coming and made orange juice for us. They even asked us to stay with them and

have dinner. Mum even made one of the aunties pray for my rishta. Cheap, I know.

It was getting dark so we decided to head back. Drunk though we were from orange

juice, we took the wrong turn and ended up in a starnge place where the road ended entirely.

The road was broken and it was getting dark and I pooped in my pants. Like a toy car, honda

City bounced around on the rocks and I vomited my heart out. We all came back alive though.

Then in the evening we had hot fries near the lake. It was dark though and dad missed a step

on the stairs. He twisted his ankle pretty bad. I pee'd again. We stayed up playing pictionary as

dad rubbed huldi and hot oil on his ankle. It smelled like shit.

On the third day, we were supposed to return home. Dad decided to wake me up early

though. We decided to walk to the lake. It was 7 am. Dad and I rarely go anywhere alone so

this was a complete nature-loving-father-daughter-experience. He photographed, I looked

around. He asked me to pose, I made faces. He climbed rocks with a twisted ankle, my heart

stopped. For the second time in my life, I realised I'd die if anything ever happened to him.

Later everyone woke up and packed to head home. We decided to stop at duriya-e-jhelum

for a bit before we headed to islamabad. When we reached the place, Sohaib decided to climb

down to the edge of the river. I started following, acting all cool and adventurous. Midway, I

suddenly cme back to my senses ans realised the path I was walking to was less then 1 foot wide

and on my right side was the raging river. Beneath my feet was slippery dirt which often slipped

from under my feet. I managed to reach the edge though. The river was dangerously beautiful

(awsome moment no. 6). It was really hot at the time and the rocks there were burning hot. As

soon as i touched the water with my feet, i withrew them however. The water was so cold, It

could freeze you to death within minutes. I turned a deaf ear to my parents screaming from

the top, demanding that we step back. I kept standing for a while, staring at this flat rock

that I felt like sitting on. I decided I should sit and stop being a whuss. The second my bum

touched the rock, a heaver wave came soaked the whole rock. I screamed and got up and

Sohaib laughed his ass off. It was time to head back. Climbing up that foot wide path was harder

I decided to Hold onto the rocks on the side. Just in case. I stepped on the dirt path, midway,

Hld on to the rock (or so I thought). AS soon as i lifted myself, the rock in my hand turned out

to be dirt. It broke off and I slipped. (Awesome moment no.7) I didn't die though. So I didn't

slip all the way down. dad held onto my hand and I climbed back up.

Dadi had called to tell us the weather in Lahore was excruciating. Luckily though, through

out the way back, the sky ws covered with clouds. Perect end to a perfect trip.

..End of year one..

Often people look back an say 'Hey, it wasn't so bad at all'. My thoughts are slightly different; 'Down with the fucking bastards. Rot and burn in hell and i hope the devil farts in your face while you're at it.'(apologies but one needs to be informal for that impact). I have to admit the year has passed rather quickly. I had heard that days spent in jail are long and painful, so i am naturally surprised here. But i guess the pain made up for it. 

I have never in my life seen such incompetence, irrationality, arrogance and lack of organisation. Except ofcource in the government ID card office. The same lack of interest in the work being done, the same unexplained arrogance. Like a clerk who is over-worked and under-paid. I still don't get where the arrogance comes from. I have to admit, the college is teaching us how to face the world because this is what the world is like. Suddenly there is a serious deficiency of air conditioners, everyone is unnecesarily rude to you, you have to stand in line for everything and, most importantly, nobody gives a shit.

I remember the first week so well. The first two days went by with a general excitement that comes with new things. I was prepared to put everything behind me and take Kinnaird up as a challenge. I wore a constant smile, ignoring the shit thrown my way. On the third day came the realisation. It struck me like a knockout punch from a heavy weight boxer who had a special reason to be mad at me. Four years. Four years. Four years.

I will never foget the day i sat near the fountain and cried like the sky was falling. The free bird had to wait a little longer. I just sat and watched from behind the big iron locks with rude guards patrolling and unneccesary rules to keep you in line. This couldn't be right. Couldn't be.

Rules. rules. rules. For every move i made, every word i said, every turn i took. Teachers telling you what to wear, guards telling you where to sit and where to go, aunties telling you what to eat and where to eat it. I was in grade school again. A frown here and an abuse under the breath there and all was fine. Every day i went home thinking 'I won't come tomorrow'. I did though.

I passed the first semester with 3A's, 1B and 1C. Grandma called from pindi, Khala from peshawar, to congratulate me on my great achievements. All I had achieved was a trophy for using 1 brain cell and still passing everything. I just waited for inspiration to come.

I must be blind for I fail to see the bright side. First year is over and i'm at home, knitting mufflers. I'm wishing to attend art lessons but the decision now neatly lies in my Dad's file of all things his daughter isn't allowed to do. *smirk* i'll have my way one day.

" Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard"

Alone

I walk alone. I can feel the cold rain on my shoulders. Raindrops that were resting between my hair are sliding down my head, onto my neck and down my spine now. Like a tear that no one wants to wipe away. You let it fall because you don't wish to hide them anymore. The rain is cold, but my skin is colder. It's like my body does not even bother warming itself up anymore. It lets me merge with the cold wind. I become invisible and unfelt. It reminds me of the fact that I can' hold someones hand and make them feel warm and cared for. I'm in need of warmth myself. I stare at the ground. Follow brick patterns with my eyes. I look at my shoes. I hold my bag close to my body, like a pillow thats armed to protect me. I'm not sure from what. I walk back and forth. I walk fast, pretending i'm actually going somewhere. In actuallity, i never am. I keep checking my phone, pretending to be busy. In reality i just check and recheck my empty call history. I store msgs, so I can read them when i get sick of having nothing to do.
They tell me they saw me reading in a corner. They ask me why i was reading on a funfare of all the days. When everyone else was dancing and eating. I just laugh, never answer. Maybe because even i'm not sure. Maybe that fact that i'm a social outcast is still hard to accept. Maybe dancing and eating is really all there is to life.
The what-ifs that clog my brain have brought me to a point where over-thinking has become a habit. I have to come up with the most novel idea. it has to be perfect. Otherwise i deserve to burn at the stake. Maybe i'm too hard on myself. Maybe I've punished myself for too long. Maybe it wasn't my fault.
I clasp my hands together. Each one feels colder then the other. They want to be held by someone who can melt them. On second thought, they'd rather freeze to death.
I can hear the cold, loud wind. I can see the bamboo tree being shouted at. I can see the leftover rain on my window. The freezing cold sends shivers down my spine. Ones you feel when you hear a song that reminds you of something forgotten. Maybe it's trying to remind me of something too.

The lesser sex

I can't possibly say anything that has never been said before. Call it my ignorance but i've never read one convincing piece of work which made me smile because it touched my heart. I look around and i think twice before blaming men for not bringing enough women issues into the light. Nobody cares. Women are equally eager to quickly hide inconvenient incidents in thier subconscious, to ask their own daughters to become immune and to do it as early as possible. They are so oblivious that they themselves preech silent obedience. They despise any form of rebellion. They scare you into believeing that it will never change and for that reason alone, everything almost becomes...fair.
Throughout history, one hasto dig deep to find traces of any women who did something significant. You can count them on your fingers if you tried. Has it always been this way? Being an athiest, i guess i have the tendency to blame everything on religion. But correct me if i'm wrong. Religion IS to blame. Religion says 'Hey that guy before me hit her with slippers thrice. I just slapped her once.' No one thought along the way that the slap still existed. Not even women.
A rape case requires 3 male witnesses. Or maybe 2. Doesnt matter anyway.
I have never lived abroad but people tell me it's better there. I can thus only tell you what i see and experience evey single day here in Pakistan. I wake up with my phone on silent untill my dad leaves for work. Girls getting msgs all the time is highly suspicious. I stay inside the house with the curtains closed because labourers work in the house facing ours. They might see me walking around the house which can be a disgrace. I take refuge inside a bedroom because the driver hasto come in for a second to check the switches. I go to the market next door while men sitting comfortably in their lawns under the sun stare from head to toe. I keep my eyes down and wear a serious expression. A smile or laughter among girls can suggest we are up for anonymous sex. I go out shopping and they stare, make comments and even touch you mistakenly if they're feeling confident enough. If i've bin out, i come home, wash my makeup and change clothes before my dad arrives. If i get late, i delete all pictures of my strictly female friends from my camera, just incase he decides to check it. If he finds out, he goes to my mother. shouts at her a little and tells her to keep an eye on me. Then he covers it all with a facade before he faces me again. The lovable, understanding dad act. Whose daughter can never do anything wrong. like having friends who wear sleeveless. All this, and i belong to an upper middle class family.
Men can never know what it's like to be a women. Most women don't know either. You only know you're miserable when you have known something better. Women all around me are slaves and they don't even know it. Sometimes i feel they know. They know it can't possibly be right. But they're scared about what it would mean if they admitted it. It might mean you're anti religion. Or worst still, an improper woman.
I cringe and i whine not because it's unfair but because there is nothing i can do about it. I see how my brothers are allowed all that im denied and yet i wear a dumb expression on my face and abstain from saying anything at all. I wish to scream and throw things about but that would get me nowhere. I've tried talking to my father but they all put up a wall and pretend they don't get it. He broke my heart into pieces that day. I can't run away with no money and no degree in my hand. I can't get married to escape my father because marriage is another cage, just larger. I'm left with no options. No ways to vent my anger and let it flow so it would not hamper my judgment and rational thinking.
i wish to become one of those who spend thier life reading and learning. All for themselves. Never marry.Never bother anyone. With no boundries and no rules. What are the chances i'll become that person?
I sometimes sit and wonder why we ended up this way. Why have we accepted this fate as a perminent part of society? Why it is passed down from generation to generation? Women lack in physical strenth as compared to men. I believe this led us to where we stand now. Physical strenth gives a person a feeling of self confidence. Incases where someone weaker then you exists, it gives the feeling of dominence aswell. Its not that she was not mentally as capable as men. It's just that men could not allow her to question their authority. she bowed down because words could not hit back as hard. Physical abuse could not be beared just because the right thing had to be said. She gave up. We all gave up.

Infidels

It will never stop. The moral duty of every thiest to try and convert us athiests. To make sure we don't go to hell. To make sure we don't rot for eternity the way we have rotten on earth. They despise the way we have left our morals behind and have become devout satanists or any other fancy religion someone or the other has come up with by now. They pity us. They laugh because the west has not yet rotten thier souls and stripped them off their morals.
'everyone goes through this phase. you'll be alright when you grow up.'
Notice the tone. you'll be 'alright' when you 'grow up'. So right now we are mentaly handicapped and undeveloped children.
'where did the trees come from? or this earth?'
I'm no botanist or physicist. If it's too complex today, it may not be tomorrow. Throughout my life, i have learned how to differentiate between lounge chit chat and hard facts. I'm a politics student after all. Call me a realist at heart. If we start to have faith, then anything can be real. The distinction between not real and real siezes to exist. All human knowledge to date becomes void. I'm no philosopher either so i'll stop here.
One does not become an athiest because he has unlocked all the secrets of life and has given it the name 'nature' instead of God. Athiests don't know everything. They're human if you look real hard and deep. They look at the world from another perspective and make a guess. A calculated one however.
I have met many different types of athiests in my life. There are those who become athiests because they're angry with God for treating them too harshly.
'How can God let this happen to me. It is because he doesnt exist.'
I personally feel ups and downs are a part of life. Life is not fair. Never was. Never will be. Face it. God never had anything to do with it.
Then there are those who oppose their religion particularly or other religions aswell. But rarely.
Mainly due to lack of enough knowledge of other religions to effectively oppose it. That statement does not, by any means, imply that they have sufficient knowledge about thier own religion!
'islam descriminates against women. It's too rigid and resistant to change. It breeds extremism...'
The allegations may be true but with religions, specially islam, anything can be justified or unjustified due to various sources of islamic law. Interpretation and translation are two problematic issues which are very difficult to solve. Most athiests consider their lack of faith 'a phase' in later life because it's easy to change back. When these athiests decide to take a deeper look, the peices fall into place and they realise they had been wrong about their religion all along. Only because anything can be a matter of interpretation.
I refuse to discuss the ones who are athiests because it's cool. It will pollute my essay. I would, however, like to address the problem of stereotyping here. I have been called 'trying to be cool' by many. Maybe because i did feel being an athiest was cool. However, i didnt actually become an athiest because it was cool. I turned athiest before i even knew what cool was.
I avoid telling people about my scandelous beliefs. I add in a 'mashallah, inshallah, allah kere, shuker hai' to make sure no one notices. I don't want people to tell me i'll 'grow up'.
I'm an athiest who has no particular issues with any religion. They may be perfect, which they are not. They may be a source of inner peace and tranquility. They may be a source of law which does not even require an active coercive force. It is just a costless voice in your head telling you what to do and what to avoid. I have never denied that. Some people claim that religions cause conflict. In my opinion, a religion is just another group. As is a country, a race, a sex. Groups compete with each other. It's human nature. Eradication of groups completely is impossible. So groups are all the same when it comes to conflict.
One must feel that i'm defending my thiest beliefs instead of athiest but that's not correct. I'm an athiest because i feel the idea of God is a lump of sugar which helps you swallow the bitter pill of life. No matter how easy it makes life for you, it is still a lie. God is still Santa claus. I have learned that Man feels he needs God to live positively. If it works for you, by all means believe. Athiests are not out on a mission to convert the world, unlike some thiest religions. I on the other hand, dont need God. I feel i'm rational and can make distinctions between right an wrong. I do not need the prospect of heaven or the dread of hell to make me do what needs to be done. I do what is right for myself.
Man has not yet reached a conclusion whether God exists or not. I'm sure even if they find out, they'll never let the world know. Considering the chaos it would cause. So since the arguments are more or less balanced, both have a 50/50 chance. What difference does it make which side you're on. In the end the chance is still 50%. So why not believe in something that makes sense to you and helps you lead a balanced life.
I would like to add in a question or two to the thiests who say 'being an athiest is easy because you get a free hand to do what ever the heck you want'.
Is it easy to know that no one is out there looking after you?
Is it easy to do the right thing when you know there will be no reward or punishment?
And most importantly, Is it easy to believe that death will mark the end of everything you ever were?

Reality check

I love how the bent branches of old trees touch the surface of the water. They leave traces which disappear as they move away. The water adjusts itself quickly and the ripples seize to exist. Rocks and boulders disturb water as well but somehow the mere subtleness of a branch forces me to stare. They somehow remind me of myself. I’m just a ripple which will disappear before anyone gets the time to notice or care.
I wonder, like many before me, whether anyone will care. I know the answer but for the sake of a moments ignorant bliss I let myself pretend. I feel ‘truth’ is an old whore. Every ones busy dressing her up so she looks presentable, even attractive. She dazzles and amazes. Every one’s willing to make love to her. She’s just an old whore to me.
So many people have died. People like you. People like me. There comes a point when one says to himself ‘what the hell is going on’. A time when lies are wrapped up in ribbons and delivered to your doorstep. All you have to do is keep your eyes closed and feed them to your brain. They taste great. So many people will never stop and say ‘hey! Wait a minute.’ A time when you feel like a soldier who doesn’t know the way to the battlefield. That time is here.
I sit and stare. The muscles of my tongue have grown stiff and cold. They’re dying. I don’t wish to save them. My replies merely consist of a nod of the head now. There is nothing to say. I only know how to be quietly angry now. Some things in life are so outrageous that one is forced into complete and utter silence. A disturbingly loud one. I hope no one can hear it.
I’m torn in two. God is out of thread.

Here we are once more..torn between what we are and what we should be..what we have done and what was supposed to be done..between the one we love and the one who loves us...
i regret the time i spent waiting for someone i expected to come out of you..to break this shell of insecurity and carelessness..to help me have faith in you..so that the world could see what i saw..and right when you, as promised, changed just to make me happier, i turned away..eventhough in the debths of my heart i knew you cared..and now, thinking about everything you do and did, aggrevates me..and yet i'm always impatiently waiting for any news from your side..to know that you're alright..i know i can hate you, in time...
I have a comforting voice in my head..the only thing that comforts now..'you know you're right'
It's never about what you are obsessively working for..the whole point of pushing yourself is to achieve something..nomatter how irrelivent the reward may seem to everyone around you..I'ts about proving something to yourself..I don't care how big a nerd i may seem at this point in time..i know i want this.